Going the Distance.

     Perhaps the most difficult part of a long-distance relationship is the fear that once the distance has been added, you and your love may drift apart. Sure, things are a bit easier to maintain when distance has always been an obstacle that you've learned to conquer time and time again, but what happens when you spend nearly every day together and suddenly, it stops?

     2 out of the 3 long distance relationships I've had evolved out of a friendship that started while I was visiting their city. After much nurturing, it only felt natural to take things to the next level. We walked into the relationship aware of the bumpy road that comes with long-distance, yet confident that the bond of our friendship rendered us more than prepared. And we were. I vividly remember learning the quickest routes to my man's home from both my parents' house and James Madison, and I kept my apartment door unlocked whenever I knew he was on the highway, on his way to me. Whenever we both had a free weekend, you could bet that we were road tripping, taking turns visiting each other's friends and family in various cities. We went the distance together, playing "passenger-must-get-drunk-and-be-the-DJ" every step of the way. From the outside looking in, we were perfect. And for a while, we were. Before it all turned sour, it was the most exciting, spontaneous relationship I've ever been a part of. That still holds true to this day. The sex, the road trips, the random social gatherings...everything, were all so unpredictable; no two experiences were the same, and that's what keeps a relationship exciting. A girl can only be so lucky to embark on a relationship of this magnitude and be able to keep it for life.

     Even still, with all the spontaneity, something was missing. Yes, the fun was there, the adoration was there, and the passion and affection were there, but we still didn't have enough to last. If you were to ask me a year ago, hell, even months ago, I'd say it was because of infidelity. And while that may be a large part of the reason why we ended, a larger underlying issue stifled our growth. In a long-distance anything, there must be reassurance that no matter how much distance is between you two, the importance of their role in your life is unwavering. No one wants to feel disposable, and we often underestimate the amount of effort it takes in order to make sure they know they aren't. His infidelity in spite of warnings that we'd be done if he cheated let me know one of two things: 1. I was either not enough to turn him into a faithful man, or 2. I was disposable; he didn't mind taking the risk of losing me from his life. Whatever the case, the notion that I wasn't worth fidelity was what helped me walk away without thought of a second chance.

     The same goes with friendships.

     Calling someone my "friend" is hardly enough. Living at least 250 miles away from most of my friends, there's a mutual effort that needs to be exerted in order for our friendship to thrive, and it warms my heart to know that we're pretty kickass when it comes to this.

     My priority when I moved to NYC wasn't to live a lavish life and become a professional socialite, ready to give any and everyone who visited a mind-blowing experience with my breadth of knowledge on NYC hotspots. When I moved here on January 15, 2011, my only concern was expanding my network. I had no clue what I wanted to do as a career, so I dedicated my time to meeting as many people as possible and becoming somewhat of a professional networker until I found my passion. When my 24th birthday rolled around, I was excited to share NYC with my favorite people. I had 16 confirmed guests, and it warmed my heart to know that after Hurricane Irene ruined my plans last year, I'd be spending this birthday with those that meant the most to me. After a rough night of fighting with my then significant other, nothing made me happier than traveling to midtown Manhattan to greet people who made breathing that much easier.

     We all checked into our hotel rooms, danced and laughed over cocktails, and roamed Union Square and the Lower East Side for birthday fun. I couldn't believe that nearly everyone I loved--from childhood, to college, and beyond--had traveled the distance just to see me happy on my birthday.

     It was better than any card. Better than gifts. Dare I say it? It was better than money. These women and men who I text, GChat, email, and update on life regularly saw fit to be by my side and heal a heart they didn't even know was hurting. I suddenly forgot about the fight from the night before. The tears and sadness disappeared. To them, the term "friend" wasn't enough, and they showed me how indispensable I am to them. Looking back, I realize that those 16 people all left the same state to come and be with me without once suggesting that little ol' me travel to them. Sure, it would've been a lot easier, but that's not always what it's about.

     With long-distance, you just have to do what it takes to show them that they really are important to you. You do what it takes to show that their companionship isn't disposable. In that past relationship, what I needed was fidelity. And while that'll always be a need, my new lovers have shown me something new. Nothing says "I love you" like going the distance to be by their side when they need you the most--and even when they don't.

                                              

Inception.

    

    I got the idea to start this blog during a conversation with my farthest long-distance lover, Mariel. After making endless memories in college, Mariel packed her things and moved to San Diego for grad school at San Diego State University. Although I never kept my plans to visit her during her time in school, I made it a priority to keep in touch, mainly through texting and group emails with my girls. She understood that I was settling into my life in NYC, so it wasn't easy to pick up and take a trip to the west coast. We had this kind of understanding that no matter how long it's been since we've last spoken, nothing can change our goofy, inappropriate friendship. I did make it to San Diego for her graduation, though, and it was like we never skipped a beat. Inappropriate sex jokes, embarrassing stories, the whole nine. It was good for my soul.

But about the idea for this blog...right. 

     I took a trip to Virginia for another one of my long-distance lovers' birthday during a time when I needed it the most. My guy and I had just split, and I was completely heartbroken and angry that I'd wasted my time on someone who dedicated more of his time to hurting me than actually making the relationship work. I was hurt and confused, and while my perfect attendance at church and reading of books was helping, I needed to vent to my girls from college. I dreaded telling them, because the last time they saw us, we were putting on a smile and pretending that our relationship hadn't reached its expiration date. The front did bring about genuine feelings, and for the first time, I felt that I might be in love and I should probably profess those feelings in an effort to salvage what little was left. To my surprise, he claimed to feel the same, and we made love for what would be our first and last time. But the front we put up simply wasn't enough, and it was time to fight through the ill feelings and answer my girls' question of, "So what's new?!" with, "We broke up."

     Like every long-distance lover should be, my girlfriends were super supportive, validating my feelings and revealing truths about my relationship that I'd been too blind to see before the breakup. Even with clarity and confirmation that walking away for good was the right decision, my heart was still broken. 

     Before heading back to NYC, I spent alone time with Mariel for the first time since college and we got to talking about past relationships and heartbreak. She wasn't a stranger to what I'd been feeling, and she let me pick her brain as she became transparent, telling me how she managed to get through it. Even still, my mind was cloudy. "Why don't you write again?" she suggested.

(Now I'll admit: I used to love blogging, but somewhere along the line I gave it up. I found that it's harder for me to gain inspiration when I'm completely happy with life, so I ditched my blog. I'd thought once or twice about picking it up, but had no idea where to begin again. Mariel suggesting it was something like confirmation.)

"Why don't you blog again?" 

"Eh, I don't want to sit and talk about heartbreak...I want to write something else." 

"It doesn't have to be about your heartbreak. It can be about your friends. OMGALOVESTORYABOUTYOURFRIENDS!" she squealed in true Mariel fashion.

     A love story about my friends? How genius! I'll admit that I haven't had much success with relationships in the past, but something I have been great at is maintaining the friendships with those that mean the most to me. 

     I moved to NYC with no friends, only family, so preserving the friendships I'd built back home was a priority. Email chains, group texts, 3-way calling (yes, we still do that), and Skype dates became my best friends, and because they all live in the DC area I forced myself to rotate homes as I try to visit as many friends as possible. My goal was to make sure my friends knew how much I cherished their friendship, so every chance I got, I was riding up and down I-95. I did what it takes to make a long-distance relationship work, even in the midst of trying to maintain my own crumbling long-distance relationship with a male. 

     I wasn't always perfect in my attempts, but the true friends understood how difficult it gets. Since moving, I've only "lost" one friend, though I can't really consider it a loss. Her friendship closely resembled that of another toxic friendship I'd cut off just months before meeting her. Those close to me knew it, and the friends who have my best interest at heart could detect that this girl didn't. That's my biggest flaw; I tend to be a poor judge of character. But I'd consider this one as more of a gain than a loss. 

     So as I begin this blog, questions loom in my mind. What makes a long-distance anything work? I've never thought about it before, but as I pride myself on almost 2 years in a different city than most of my friends with stronger bonds than ever, I must reflect on what it's taken from both ends of these friendships. With that said, I'd be remiss if I neglected to acknowledge that failed friendships help you understand what it takes, too. So although you shouldn't expect a numbered list through this blog, I will say that this is the big kahuna, the cardinal rule of long-distance lovin':

     Don't even bother trying to preserve it if the person no longer serves a purpose in your life. You'll spend so much time trying to force it and you'll end up exhausted and fed up. Only maintain long-distance relationships with those who have proven to be worth the effort. Not many are.

I just got lucky.

Preservation in the Midst of Disposal.

     I love hard. Anyone who knows me well enough to know that my go-to hangover food is a bag of puffy Cheetohs can tell you that I love hard. The minute I feel comfortable, I become an open book and give my all. And no, it’s not just with relationships.  My best friend has witnessed me become pseudo-BFFs with all kinds of girls throughout different stages of my life, and although she warns me against many, the excitement of new friendships with seemingly wonderful people gives me something like a high. In this book I’m currently reading, Captivating, I read that women thirst for a type of love and companionship that neither a husband nor children can provide. Women need friendships with other women, and as much as we’d like to pretend that this is a fallacy, it’s true. So I’ve wandered through life, embracing friendships, a few of which have been toxic. And like all toxic relationships, the end is inevitable. I always sit and beat myself up about ending a friendship, forgetting what both the Bible and my mother tell me constantly: Everything has its season. But still I fight, believing that I’ve done myself a disservice by ending something that was so unedifying and draining. How silly of me? But because women are wired to desire companionship, and need that companionship from other women, I begin to feel as if I’m missing out on a really good friend. I begin to feel like I’m missing out on a good friend, although I know from experience that they aren’t. What a cruel little trick my mind plays on me?

     I’ve lived in New York City for a year and 9 months, and with all of the transitioning, the “good” friends I’ve been in search of while swapping people in and out of my life have been the one constant, even when a boyfriend hasn’t. Quite frankly, dating creeps me out. You go out, get approached by a random guy, exchange numbers, and begin conversations that I can only assume consist of false proclamations about occupations and their alma mater. You have absolutely no one to vouch for them, so you just trust that he’s honestly in med school and not a sociopath who’ll be slipping a date-rape drug in the ginger ale you ordered at dinner because you didn’t want him to see you drunk just yet. Needless to say, I’d just rather not be bothered by it at this point in my life. And looking at my previous relationships, there’s clearly a trend that I follow when it comes to men, and I must figure out how to break it before I pursue another relationship. But this isn’t about my relationships with questionable men; it’s about long distance relationships. I’m able to debunk the idea that they don’t work. I believe it’s all about whom you enter into these relationships with. Now I’ll admit, I’ve been in 3 unsuccessful long distance relationships with men, and even still, I’m a believer that they can work. Why? Well mainly because although I’ve relinquished the idea of entertaining anything long-distance with a man, I have been able to maintain strong, fulfilling, fruitful long-distance relationships…with the women in my life.